I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i believe in u and ur pee
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
