I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think people are normalizing furries
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
