Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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