Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
