I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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