You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
