I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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