Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize