So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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