Don't make out with my wife yet
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
