He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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