He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
