I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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