just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
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