i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
