I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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