woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
So squirting runs in the family.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
