just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
