do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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