I looked at my own cervix.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
