please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
