i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
