we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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