I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
His hands were made for my vagina.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
