You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
