my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
