Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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