She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
