She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
