worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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