I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
