At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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