Who did Billy Mays play for?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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