When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
