It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
