I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
