we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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