Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
