omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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