are you so shy because you have an std?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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