Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
