The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize