I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
