He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
