I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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