I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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