when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
