Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
