Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
