I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
