I'm so fucking centered right now
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Boobs speak an international language.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
