so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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