Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
