You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
