Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
