About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
