I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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